matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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