Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
A+ Viking dick
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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