Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
