I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
