i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
