I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
