Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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