apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
