Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
