nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
