Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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