I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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