I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
