I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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