Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
