apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Holy sore nipples Batman
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
