I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Send help, water and tortillas.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
