nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
