drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize