goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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