There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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