I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
