Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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