I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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