this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
