It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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