I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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