The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
