Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize