I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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