she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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