I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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