I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
