I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
