i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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