So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Randomize
