My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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