Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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