the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
