textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
she woke up with a sticky ear
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Randomize
