When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
