either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I love you. Go after that dick
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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