I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
zippers are such a cool invention
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
