i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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