Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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