Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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