Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
