Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
