My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
