Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
