All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Randomize
