I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I just pynch a tree in the face
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
