i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
