Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
