You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize