Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
My vagina is officially offended.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
